From Tina Brown
Q. I have been dogged all my career as ‘the Queen of Buzz’, which makes people assume I love being in the centre of the social scene. Nothing is further from the truth. Though I will always be an action junkie, I am also a bookworm and a misanthrope, and I live by the maxim of Jomo (the ‘joy of missing out’). How do I find new ways to turn down friends’ kind invitations to go out to dinner without sounding ungrateful, or as if I have turned into the female version of Joe Biden?
A. Lunch is much less physically and mentally draining than dinner, so why not reveal that all the transatlantic travel has played havoc with your body clock? You find your brain now fires on all cylinders between the hours of 6 p.m. and 3 a.m. This means that you can meet for lunch but not dinner, as you work most productively throughout the night.
From Nicholas Coleridge
Q. I have recently joined a boarding school near Windsor and find myself receiving a torrent of letters and emails from friends of friends, hinting that they hope I can help them secure a place for their sons or grandsons. There is a rigorous admissions system here, run with integrity, and it is awkward when the prospective boy hasn’t caught the selector’s eye. How should I reply to parents who have set their hearts on this school?
A. Confide to the petitioners that although you have literally no power over the selection procedure, it could make a difference if the child himself would send you a handwritten letter outlining his potential, as this could possibly swing it. It is well-known that virtually no 12-year-old will write a handwritten letter, especially not if a charge of nepotism could be levied. Any boy who rises to this challenge probably does deserve to be fast-tracked.
From Alan Titchmarsh
Q. Whenever people ask about rewilding their garden, I find it difficult not to become irritable. Do you think I would benefit from anger management counselling, or should I just give in and stop talking about lawns and beds and borders?
A. Don’t get cross. Let them virtue-signal briefly while you smile benignly, then suggest they start by rewilding only a corner of their garden to see how it goes.
From Jacob Rees-Mogg
Q. My favourite column in The Spectator flatteringly asked me to contribute to its Christmas special. Unfortunately, I could not think of anything that would meet its exacting standards, so asked ChatGPT. My entry was as follows: ‘There is a column in The Spectator addressed to its agony aunt, Mary. Please pose a question to her in the style of Jacob Rees-Mogg, the former MP for North East Somerset.’
Its response was: ‘How might one gently discourage guests from consulting their mobile telephones during dinner without causing embarrassment? Is a polite request sufficient, or should one expound upon the virtues of undistracted conversation? Your guidance on preserving decorum amid such modern intrusions would be most appreciated.’
A. When a colleague submitted this very problem to ChatGPT asking for a Dear Mary-style answer, it was a relief to see that – rather like Botox and fillers, which may deceive the eye but not the brain – the robot’s response was unconvincing. My own response is, could guests be urged to hand Nanny their phones as they go through? Explain there is no signal in the dining room but that Nanny will be prepared to act as concierge and monitor calls in the event of urgency.
From Sophie Winkleman
Q. How should I respond when I receive an email from my children’s school about World Book Day? a) Why are you sending me this when reading proper books seems to be surplus to requirement these days?
b) Did Jeff Bezos invent World Book Day – because all it means is that parents the world over spend a total of £37 billion on Harry Potter costumes? c) Forget to furnish child with costume and pay for child’s therapy for the next 40 years?
A. Campaign for a more ‘eco-friendly’ book day. Suggest that instead of adding to landfill, each child should recite a poem or passage from a favourite book. At least the performance will give them some experience of the rhythm of writing.
From James MacMillan
Q. Now and again I end up at a posh, trendy dinner or party when the conversation takes an ideological or political turn. I realise quickly that I disagree with almost everything that people around me are saying so I descend into a frozen silence. I think people notice this and suspect I’ve either gone to sleep or may be hiding some kind of wrongthink. Could you suggest a strategy that might extricate me from this tricky social situation?
A. Carry a bottle of Rescue Remedy and spray this ostentatiously on to your tongue. Explain that the vexatious atmosphere in the room is causing you to have a panic attack.
From Antonia Fraser
Q. I’m getting fed up being asked in public: ‘Are you who I think you are?’ After all it’s an impossible question to answer. In the end I composed a Bad Verse in order to frighten people off. And it sort of works:
‘Are you who I think you are?
Your question really goes too far
I’m never who you think I am
In the meantime, why don’t you scram?’
But I wouldn’t mind a more dignified reply.
A. You might wrongfoot them by replying: ‘Yes, I am Brigitte Bardot. Would you like to contribute to my animal charity?’
From Michael Caine
Q. I am a great follower of sport and have been since a young age. Now I am older and more sedentary I watch a lot of sport on television, in particular cricket and football.
To me, modern-day cricket provides much more entertainment since there is always something going on; whereas football can be entertaining, but also very dull for 90 minutes. My question is therefore, based on entertainment value per minute, should first-class cricketers playing Bazball-style cricket be paid similar sums to our footballers?
A. Your empathy for the Bazball players is touching but there’s no point fretting about the injustice. Market forces will prevail as they always do. Your concern may be a metaphor reflecting your sympathy for the many actors you have known throughout your long career who were underpaid and undercelebrated.
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