Q. Most of my friends have small children and being mostly media types in west London, have given them silly names: Zedechiah, Tiger etc. I’m used to that. What is driving me up the wall is that some of them have begun to use the definite article before referring to their offspring. As in: ‘I’ll bring The Zed to tea, shall I?’ Or ‘I’m taking The Wolf to swimming.’ What irritates me is the implication that we’re all expected to join in with the parents’ (understandable) assumption that their child is special and unique. I see that my irritation is mean-spirited, Mary, and I know that to mention it straight out would be unnecessarily upsetting to the doting parents. Is there anything I can do or should I just lump it?
— Name withheld, west London
A. It’s quite normal to refer to pets with a definite article, as in ‘We’ll bring the Puggles with us.’ How about omitting a place setting for the special infant and putting a dog bowl in the corner of the room? You can express apologies on the grounds that your daily help obviously mistook the name for a four-footed guest. Additionally, prime one of your small children/guests to express dismay that it isn’t the real wolf or tiger they were expecting. And you can mutter sympathetically that you suppose this must often happen.
Q. Following Defra regulations, I have dutifully shut my free-range hens into a shed to prevent them from catching flu. The shed is now disgusting from accumulated faeces, and I am obliged to spend time mucking out. Furthermore, it is no longer a pleasure to eat the eggs: the yolks are pale and they taste no better than eggs from the supermarket.
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