Q. I am feeling overwhelmed by the endless stream of sponsorship requests from friends, godchildren and relations, a lot of whom could write a cheque for ten times their target total without batting an eyelid. £15 — the most I could afford given the number of these demands on my overdraft — seems stingy especially when lists of donors and donations are published on the Just Giving website for all to see. I don’t want to watch their progress online as they train for their cycle ride to Bordeaux, I just want to be able to choose my own charities to give to. Is it acceptable to ignore some of these well-intentioned but almost bullying requests?
Name and address withheld
A. It is not acceptable to ignore them but you can field them pleasantly. Even if the nominated ‘charity’ may sometimes be the funding of their own gap year, send notes congratulating the applicants on their energy and commitment. Enthuse that you too are committed to a charity — name one you genuinely do support; extol its inspiring work. You are sure they will empathise with and understand your feelings of loyalty towards this charity and why all spare financial and practical resources at your disposal must be channelled in its direction.
Q. Since we set up home in Gibraltar, my investment banker brother-in-law has decided that as one of the nouveaux pauvres he must spend more of his family holidays with us so we can sail him round the Med. He now wishes to come for several weeks a year, and is but one of an increasing number of long-lost friends who wish to drop by for a week or two. We too have become members of the nouveaux pauvres and live almost entirely on our capital. We are of course glad to receive visitors, but simply can’t afford any longer to entertain for nothing. Mary, your counsel please.
Name and address withheld
A. Do encourage family and friends to come on the boat. Say the trips have been so popular and successful that you are considering hiring an ‘off-shore skipper’ for the next season so everyone can enjoy drinking, exploring and being frivolous while safe in the capable hands of a true professional. Would they feel it worth your asking for a quote or would they feel the presence of a stranger intrusive? (Do not mention who would foot the bill.) Even if they say no, you can act daft and send the quoted contribution per passenger which should be the running costs divided by the number of berths in use. It will still be miles below any public or chartered boat on the Med. Even if not taken up, the quote will drive home the level at which you are subsidising your guests’ freebies. Contributions will be proffered. Accept ‘only because I fear you won’t come again unless I do so’.
Q. The hosts of the birthday lunch attended by your anonymous correspondent’s wife (4 July 2009) might do well to follow the example of Lady Colefax. Her Lord North Street parties were a great success but, being less well off than other political hostesses of her period, she would discreetly bill her guests a few days after the event. Such an arrangement, if agreed in advance, would avoid the rather tawdry sight of demanding payment at the door.
T.R., Arnold, Nottingham
A. Thank you for this suggestion. My mailbag suggests, however, that hackles are invariably raised when hospitality is not straightforward.
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