Q. At a party recently I was bearded by a woman who effectively pinned me against a wall while she lectured me about an aspect of my work that has just reached the public domain. No one came to rescue me for about 20 minutes. How can one get away from people in situations like this without causing offence?
A.D., London SW1
A. Glance over the shoulder of the overbearing person as though your attention has been distracted by someone gesturing at you. Mouth ‘just coming’ to the imaginary person. Then say, ‘What a nightmare. I am being dragged away…’ Finish your sentence and move on, shaking your head reluctantly.
Q. I own a house in Normandy. Someone I know only slightly, having spent a weekend in his company at a mutual friend’s house, has telephoned to ask if I am ‘using’ the house over Christmas. If not, he said, he would like to stay in it with his brother as he wants to do some walking in the area. I was so taken aback by his gall that I did not say ‘no’ outright, but said I would consider my plans and call him back shortly. The truth is that there is no good reason why I should not let him go there. The house is not geared up for renting out so he is not doing me out of any business. He is perfectly trustworthy and, indeed, rather nice. However, he did not even suggest offering any remuneration for his stay. Our mutual friend says this man suffers from ‘entitlement syndrome’. I will say yes, Mary, but how can I do so in such a way as to let him see it is a privilege for him to stay there, rather than an entitlement?
Name and address withheld
A. Tell him you have spoken to your cleaners who say the house will need to be made ready for him. This will set him back, say, E120. Can he send you a cheque for the euros along with whatever tip he and his brother might expect to leave and you will settle up with the cleaner? In this way he will be forced to make some mental connection between his own presence there and financial outgoings. If your cleaner does not need to come in beforehand to make the house ready at E120, so much the better. This will supply you with a small cash incentive to reward your generosity.
Q. I went to have lunch with a woman and her husband. They allowed my wife and I to kiss them in the normal way. When we sat down and asked, ‘How are you?’ they replied, ‘Well, all our children have swine flu but we’re fine at the moment.’ I feel this was a terrible breach of etiquette. I do not want to be unfriendly or standoffish but surely it makes sense not to kiss people during an epidemic of this kind. How do you pre-empt someone kissing you if they have been exposed to the bug?
C.W., Perth
A. Take the lead by saying, ‘How lovely to see you. Don’t worry! I’m not going to kiss you! I’m not infected yet but I know how paranoid everyone is at the moment!’
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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