Your problems solved
Q. I have recently moved from New York to London to join my husband who is English and who works here. My problem is that when we are out together at, for example, early evening gallery openings or at the opera we often meet people my husband knows but who are new to me. Sometimes people will invite us to come and stay with them in the country or come to dinner. I am finding it very confusing to know what to say because my husband is always standing beside me smiling in so friendly a manner and nodding as though he wants to accept the invitation, but afterwards he says to me, ‘Why did you say yes? I really don’t want to go!’ How can I tell which of these invitations my unpredictable husband would like to accept and which he would like to decline when we are put on the spot in this manner? He cannot help being charming all the time (except occasionally behind closed doors).
Name and address withheld
A. You should arrange with your husband that he will indicate his true feelings by adopting a wordless code of the sort used by discreet bidders in auction houses. For example, when he hears an invitation being issued your husband should adopt the stance of holding his chin. If he wants to accept the invitation, he continues to hold his chin. If he does not he lets his hand drop. If he keeps his hand in place your answer will be yes. If he lets it drop you can say, “What a shame we are away at that time!’ If he fails to obey the code he has only himself to blame.
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