Q. A colleague and friend and I have been particularly close since she ‘saved my life’ ten years ago, having arranged help for me during a medical emergency. But since my retirement a year and a half ago, my attempts to meet for lunch have been fruitless, the last time particularly upsetting when she slept through our arranged noontime rendezvous. My feeble attempts to remind her of her promise to make it up by regularly forwarding humorous emails were brusquely rebuffed with a singular response several months ago, with no contact since. Now out of the blue I’ve received — surely at my friend’s guidance — an invitation to her daughter’s graduation at a prestigious university hundreds of miles away. I have no special relationship with the daughter, although I’ve had casual acquaintance with her over the years. I am not expected to attend, but I am sure they expect a gift. I feel that my fast-fading friendship with her mother is being exploited. Should I send a gift as if everything were normal, apply a pensioner’s discount, or treat this invitation in the way my own have been — by ignoring it? I am always conscious of stooping to a level of behaviour which offends, and would prefer to retain my dignity. Your assistance is eagerly awaited.
Name and address withheld
A. Veiled within your query is the true problem: ‘has my friend gone off me?’ Probably not. More likely she is paralysed by the modern plague of social swamping. One effect of the global village is that people have bonded with too many other people. They can keep up with much-loved friends no more easily than they can process the emails, newsprint and fascinating literature flooding in on a daily basis. The very beleaguered operate professionally by reacting to emergencies only and socially through the process of presenteeism. It is possible to socialise with your immediate neighbours or colleagues but others have to be worked off in payloads such as at a daughter’s graduation ceremony. Please do not take your friend’s apparent coldness personally. One day she will have more time for you. In the meantime practise presenteeism yourself by going to the graduation ceremony with a reasonably generous gift. It may be your only chance to see your friend again before her own retirement.
Q. I am living as a lodger in the flat of a novelist in Notting Hill. Everything about the arrangement is perfect — the location, the accommodation, our daily walks in the garden square with the dog, good conversation over breakfast and often supper — but every time I walk into a room where she is, she leaps back and whoops in surprise, as if I were an armed burglar. It is normal that it should take her a while to get used to sharing her flat with someone else, but it has now been three months. How can I reduce her stress levels?
M.B, London W11
A. Goatherds in the mountainous areas of Majorca furnish their charges with tinkling-belled collars so they can determine the whereabouts of their herd. Why not customise a more loudly pealing belled collar for yourself and don it each time you cross the threshold of the flat? In this way the novelist will have good warning of your approach and time to prepare a more moderate response to your full materialisation.
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