Q. I have recently started going out with a new girlfriend. She is articulate, well-spoken, elegant, witty and polite — in short, a real catch. There is only one thing that puts me off: she holds her knife like a pen. You will accuse me of being an inveterate snob, which I hope I am not. However, I know what my parents would say if I were to take her home for supper. Worse still, my grandmother! Perhaps, Mary, you will say I am making a fuss about nothing, or you will tell me not to be so snobbish. Equally, I am not trying to wheel in old-fashioned prejudice under my grandmother’s skirts. I just think HKLP is a case of bad table manners and I need your advice. Please tell me — how can I reach a solution without appearing rude?
A.S., Wiltshire
A. Your dismay is understandable. The expression ‘HKLP’ (holds knife like pen/cil) was once established code for ‘common’ but in these socially fluid days now means ‘unlikely to be compatible with us’. You can correct your girlfriend’s habit by holding your own knife like a pencil. You will have prearranged with a friend the two of you are to dine with that she will upbraid you for it in a teasing manner. Smacking your own hand, you can gasp in response, ‘Thank you so much for pointing it out. I so often forget not to do it’, then, turning to your girlfriend, ‘don’t you?’ you can ask brightly. In this way you can open up a debate on the amusing prejudice against those who HKLP and end by conspiring with your girlfriend that if either in the future sees the other committing the offence, they will make a discreet signal so it can be quickly corrected.
Q. We have just returned from Greece where we hired a villa with another family and invited various of our children’s friends to join us. One of these, aged 14, came armed with a wad of local currency kindly given to him by his parents, and worth about £90. He kept saying, ‘My dad says I’ve got to pay for something. What shall I pay for?’ There was nothing he could pay for since he was too young to pay in bars and £90 would not have been enough to pay for our party of about 15 when we went out to restaurants. We didn’t need to take taxis and there were no museums or galleries to pay for entry to. The boy really wanted to contribute. What should I have done, Mary?
Name and address withheld
A. You should have suggested that you take custody of the entire wad as soon as he arrived, pronouncing with enthusiasm, ‘I desperately need this cash for the cleaners’ bill. Tell your dad you have made the most useful contribution you could possibly have made.’
Q. There is another effective solution to the problem of floor-length chintz curtains in a downstairs loo frequented by males. I am informed that scientific tests have proved that ‘spillages’ are reduced by 80 per cent by the simple method of painting a realistic spider inside the bowl using enamel paint. We chaps always relish a little target practice.
D. R., Grayshott, Surrey
A. Thank you for this suggestion. Even if unconvincing, the presence of such a spider would at least serve as a reminder to male users that they should concentrate their aim.
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