Q. The most recent dog to arrive uninvited at our house, a little terrier, happened to behave impeccably, but in the past I have opened the doors to a variety of hounds from hell who have climbed on furniture, left messes and stolen food from the larder. You cannot very well turn people away when they arrive with uninvited dogs, but what would you suggest as a punishment fit for this crime?
E.G., Fosbury, Wilts
A. Welcome the dog, then pleasantly regale its owners with the cautionary tale of the guests who turned up at a nearby household with an uninvited naughty dog which wreaked havoc, desecrating carpets and beds. Moments before his guests re-entered their car for the return journey following Sunday luncheon, their host filled a dog’s bowl with a towering heap of leftovers and presided while the dog choked down the full melange. The resultant projectile vomiting and diarrhoea quite spoiled said return journey for the offenders. ‘Of course I wouldn’t do anything like that,’ you can add with a sinister smile.
Q. One Saturday, a fellow pupil of my daughter’s was taken home for the weekend by a helicopter which landed on the school’s playing fields. Totally unfazed by this unusual transport, the girl explained that Mummy had taken the Mercedes and Daddy would not bring the Aston Martin because he said it was too low-slung to clear the traffic-calming bumps on the school drive. He therefore flew over in his helicopter. I thought this might add a certain perspective to E.D.G’s dilemma (11 February) as to whether to take a green Granada or the decaying Fiat Panda to school functions.
D.I.B., North Yorkshire
A. Thank you for supplying this anecdote. It was indeed insensitive of the parents to send the helicopter to school.
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