Q. My husband has started working from home. The invasion of my privacy and the disruption of my peace is driving me almost mad. Now he has developed a habit of standing at the bottom of a staircase to the room where I myself work and yelling questions up it. He says he is too busy to come up the stairs and talk to me in a more civilised manner. I have tried to train him by not answering unless he comes upstairs, but then I can miss out if he assumes I am not in and he is calling to, for example, tell me something I really want to hear. I do not want to yell back, Mary, but neither do I want to have to get up from my desk, walk across the room and halfway down the staircase in order to answer him without having to shout myself. How can we move forward?
Name and address withheld
A. Install a baby alarm in your working room with the receiving end near the bottom of the staircase up which your husband yells. You need not leave it permanently on, just click the switch when you need to broadcast your answer in a calm speaking voice. Don’t forget to click it off again — otherwise your privacy will be even further invaded.
Q. Mary, is luggage common?
H.R., Barnton, Edinburgh
A. Luggage in itself is not common. What has changed, however, is that while in the early days of travelling a grandee was distinguished by the large quantity of his luggage, today the reverse is the case.
Q. Last week, I offered my seat on the tube to an elderly lady carrying multiple Tesco shopping bags, and was surprised to see my altruism met with a shriek of disgust. The lady was deeply insulted that I thought she was incapable of standing and she spent the rest of the journey fuming in silence and throwing me dirty looks from across the carriage, causing me great consternation. Adults often complain that young people have no respect, but we often have to restrain generous impulses like this for fear of causing offence. Mary, how can we tell the difference between those who will see this as a sign of respect and those who will see this as a comment on their aged appearance?
J.M., K.K. and D.C., London
A. People who don’t want to be offered seats usually try to avoid eye contact with other passengers, whereas those who do are likely to be casting their eyes around the carriage. This will give you a clue. If you are rebuffed, the fault definitely lies with the person who responds ungraciously to the kind offer. It is selfish to do so. He or she may well prefer to continue in denial about their own age or capability. Yet they would still admit that people in severe need of being offered seats do exist. By their rude rejection they are making it less likely that such people will be offered seats in the future by the young person they have snubbed. It is always better to risk the hostility than to continue churlishly to occupy a seat while an overburdened or more feeble person is standing. In terms of the ‘greater good’, the rest of the carriage will always be happier to witness consideration rather than a lack of it.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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