Q. How can I tactfully request that well-meaning old friends stop toasting my (new) husband’s hospitality? It seems ungrateful but, during a week’s stay at our new house in France, these much loved friends did it at least once a day, to the point that the other members of the house-party became irritated. I admit they were slightly out of their depth socially and had obviously read some sort of misinformation that this behaviour was required. My husband tells me he likes them but that I shouldn’t ask them again unless they stop the toasting. I hesitate to tell them this as I know they are insecure enough to take umbrage and may refuse to come again if they fear they may make other gaffes.
— J d L., Bordeaux
A. Why not invent a local superstition about toasting? Casually drawl that though your husband adored their vocal appreciation, he has since been mortified to discover, from a member of his staff, that toasting is considered really bad form in that neck of the woods. Say, ‘It’s apparently because it’s what the Germans did when they occupied that region in the war. He’s going to have to ban his guests from doing it because it spooks the kitchen.’ In this way you can curb their excesses without their feeling paranoid.
Q. A good friend’s wife is having chemo and will probably make it, but her parents are either being super-brave or are so scared they appear dismissive and don’t call her from week to week. How can we sensitively suggest that we think it would help their daughter through this ghastly episode if they called on a daily basis?
—J.G.,Oxford
A. Ring the parents in an upbeat manner to say you have started ringing their daughter every day to find out how she is.
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