Q. We have lived in a very nice, civilised square in south London for nearly 20 years. It’s surprisingly private and everyone gets on well. One of our neighbours is an eminent Liberal Democrat peer of the realm. Unfortunately his wife and he persist in aggressively canvassing and leafleting our neighbours and us, even though they know that I have belonged to the Conservative party since before the Liberal Democrats were even formed. I would never consider canvassing their household and I consider this macho flaunting of their political affiliations to be bad form, and actually rather rude. Can you tell me how I can make this plain to them without seeming rude in return?
Name and address withheld
A. Next time you see your neighbour in the square, issue a cheery invitation to a local fund-raising event for the Conservatives. As he blanches, say, ‘I’m taking my lead from you, you know. I’ve often asked myself, “Why does he carry on leafleting and canvassing those of us in the square who are known supporters of rival parties?”’ Now laugh conspiratorially as you continue, ‘Then I suddenly realised why! You’ve taken professional advice, haven’t you? Oh yes, ha ha ha. Some marketing guru’s told you that pester-power eventually works. Just keep on battering at them! Am I right?’ Stay silent while he splutters. Then say, ‘Seriously though. Nothing to do with pester-power actually. You’re a Lib Dem. You’ve got an “open mind”. So will you come?’ This should make him think twice about wasting resources on you in the future.
Q. I would welcome your advice on a problem which arose over an invitation to dinner. Wishing to advance our acquaintanceship with a couple we had met at a cocktail party, I rang them up and, in order to avoid (so I thought) any impression that I was the putative host, used the following formula: ‘Shall we all meet for dinner at the Plume of Feathers (a local gastro-pub) on —–?’ They enthusiastically agreed to this and we had a pleasant evening. However, when the moment came to pay the not inconsiderable bill the husband’s comment was, ‘That was very nice, thank you’ and he made no move to draw his wallet. A friend has told me that when issuing the invitation I should have said ‘We’ll go Dutch’ or words to that effect, but I feel that is crude and prefer to rely on nuance. How should such an invitation be couched to eliminate ambiguity?
E.D.G., Lostwithiel, Cornwall
A. Your friend is right. The capacity to put spin on an invitation from a resolute and exploitative guest is unlimited, so a certain degree of straight talking is required. For example, you could say, ‘Now the Plume of Feathers does a very good dinner. We go there often with the So-and-sos — we always go Dutch, it costs about £20 a head — and we wondered if you’d like to join us there on the 5th? We’ll pay for ourselves, of course. We wouldn’t dream of letting you pay for us. And you pay for yourselves.’
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