Q. I am at a co-ed day school and have been going out with a boy in my year for six months. Last week he dumped me. What has made it worse is that everyone in school has reacted by saying that they could not understand why I was going out with him in the first place as I am — according to them — ‘fit and cool’ and he is not. If this is really true it makes me feel there must be something terribly wrong with me, which only someone going out with me would know. How can I find out what it is? My former boyfriend will not admit there was anything wrong. He keeps saying, ‘It just wasn’t working.’ Please help, Mary.
Name and address withheld
A. You reveal that you are perceived as ‘fit and cool’ and your former boyfriend is not. You need look no further for an explanation. There is a perverse phenomenon whereby Grade Two people, rather than being delighted to go out with someone of Grade One status, instead become dissatisfied. They see that, far from elevation by association, the liaison only serves to highlight their own Grade Two status. It is a quite understandable survival mechanism that they should pre-empt their own inevitable dumping by doing the dumping first. Far from there being something wrong with you, it is likely that there was too much right.
Q. I live in New York and am plagued by the fact that, when having dinner with fellow Englishmen, they bray in loud Kensington accents about how awful Americans are. Apart from the fact that I don’t agree, they seem unaware that New York restaurants cram tables very close together and that everyone within ten yards is American. How do I prevent the embarrassment this pours on me, short of telling a date to ‘shut up’ (as I had to last week)?
S.C.S., New York
A. This passive aggression is linked to the awareness that most of the best houses back home in Kensington are now occupied by Americans. You can pre-empt these displays of incivility by chuckling pleasantly and alerting your guests before entering the restaurant that ‘whenever I take English people into this restaurant this weird thing happens where they start talking in loud voices about how awful Americans are. So I’m going to have a code phrase, “Any news of James Blunt?” If I say that to you, it will be code for “the Americans at the next table can hear you saying how awful Americans are”.’ In this way you will be able to gag your friends without resorting to being aggressive yourself.
Q. A girl who works in my office wears fake tan all the time. Often there is a ‘tide mark’ around her chin and lots of flakes of old mascara sitting on her cheeks. We are good friends and I have told her, but she does not seem to take me seriously. I think she may be short-sighted. What should I do?
I.C., London WC1
A. There is a marvellous product available from Tweezerman at Boots in the form of a mirror which magnifies by 12 times and comes with suckers so it can be attached to any windowpane. Adhere one of these to a window your colleague regularly walks past. She will be unable to resist looking into it. You will soon see an end to the nuisance.
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