Dear Mary | 15 May 2010

Q. I am of an age when I’m invited to coming-of-age parties for my friends’ children. As several of them are well-heeled and the children over-indulged, it has become customary to buy very lavish gifts, which I find ostentatious and can ill afford. I like attending these functions, and relish the opportunity to catch up with old friends. So I devised a trick: I write a thoughtful card, stick a piece of sticky tape to it and then artfully attach a ripped piece of wrapping paper. On arrival, I slip my card among the groaning pile of gifts. To date there have been no repercussions. I hope that the sentiments of the card have been appreciated and the accidental detachment from the gift has been glossed over. My quandary — should I decline these invitations, or do you consider my ruse to be harmless?

Name withheld, London

A. Your ruse is not harmless because it will produce low-level disquiet.