Q. I was asked to review a collection of letters and did so, praising to the skies the late author’s wit, integrity and astute judgment of human character. News now reaches me that an old family friend, lampooned in these letters, has taken offence. She saw my ringing endorsement of these letters as a ringing endorsement of their author’s ‘attack’ on her. I did not refer to this woman in my review although I remember very much enjoying the references to her. It was clear that their author had never allowed her absurd side to stand in the way of his liking her very much. I feel the same way and my late parents would be horrified to think of any of us having hurt her feelings. I would not be so worried were she not a little bit frail these days, but I can see now how someone with a lot of time on their hands, and not a great sense of humour, might be hurt by an old friend’s failure to defend her, as she would have seen it. We run into each other regularly. How can I mend fences?
Name and address withheld
A. In these special circumstances a ‘white lie’ may be used. Confide in the woman that you are suffering from terrible remorse. Under pressure of time and with only a very small word count allowed, you speed-read the book to produce your review by the deadline. Consequently you completely missed the references to her. Now you have had time to re-read it and have seen the offending passages. It is too late to defend her. You dread being exposed for this lack of professionalism. Will she keep your secret? Once warmed up you can work on reassuring her that the author’s mockery was in fact a huge compliment.
Q. I am shortly to self-publish my memoirs. I realise I am unlikely to get distribution through conventional bookshops and will have to distribute the books myself. As publication date looms I find myself in something of a quandary. It seems wrong somehow to charge friends, family and acquaintances for a copy of a book I will clearly have stacks of in my house. Should I just give them all away, Mary? I can afford to do so.
V.S., Richmond
A. The trouble with self-published memoirs is that they can serve as an exercise in social alienation. Everyone who gets a copy feels so guilty that they have not got around to reading it yet that they will tend to try and avoid you. So by all means give them away but only with the following codicil. Tell recipients that you realise they will probably not read it until after your death since that is only human nature. Make it absolutely clear that on your next meeting you will not expect them to have read the book. Joke that you may be even slightly offended if they have done so as you will see it as an invasion of your privacy since you have assumed that no one will read it before you are dead.
Q. I recently sat next to a very difficult man who only came to life when I asked him if he had made any wonderful new friends recently. I thought I would pass on this tip to readers.
A.A. London W8
A. Thank you. Everyone would like to answer that question. But make sure you build up to posing it naturally so it does not seem formulaic.
If you have a problem write to Dear Mary, c/o The Spectator, 22 Old Queen Street, London SW1H 9HP.
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