Q. My 12-year-old son and I braved the snow last week to keep an appointment for him to look at a school. On the much delayed journey back to Paddington I was walking through to the buffet car when I saw two friends of a friend who kindly suggested I fetch my son and come and join them. Having said I would, I immediately regretted it because it meant my son (who boards) and I would not be able to chat together alone. I could not think of a way to backtrack and dragged him through to both of our regrets. How could I have explained that I had changed my mind without causing offence, Mary?
J.N., London W12
A. You could have made a show of going to your son’s carriage and then returning to announce that since he had fallen asleep you had better not leave him to wake up and wonder where on earth you were.
Q. I work in an open-plan office for an esteemed firm of architects and have something of a reputation for being a ‘burst-whistler’. The term describes my habit of whistling five-second bursts of tunes during moments of stress or high concentration. I have encountered gentle teasing on the subject but I believe it to be something regarded with general amusement rather than annoyance. This has changed recently, however. Unaccountably I seem to be whistling the music of my two teenage daughters rather than my own. Yesterday a co-worker told me, rather roughly, that I’d whistled something called ‘Toxic’ by Britney Spears on multiple occasions during the morning. As my burst-whistling is an unconscious act, I am at a loss as to how I can recapture it as a lovable mannerism rather than an annoying tic.
S.B., Handcross, West Sussex
A. Purchase a ‘whistle locator’ from Amazon. This takes the form of a sugar-cube-sized bleeper which can be stuck to regularly mislaid items such as keys or TV remote controls. It will respond to whistling by bleeping to indicate its whereabouts. Stick a bleeper onto, say, your own desk telephone. Each time you whistle you will trigger bleeping and thereby annoy yourself. This Pavlovian method should swiftly correct your bad habit. Incidentally an element of passive aggression or, at best, of attention-seeking can be detected in your letter. Whistling is very rarely viewed as a ‘lovable mannerism’. Even the most tuneful whistling of, say, a Bach fugue, is maddening to others as it disturbs their concentration. All whistlers take note.
Q. I have put myself in a compromising position in agreeing to give a lift to an extremely beautiful girl. The journey will be about ten hours long and will involve an overnight stay in an hotel. I strongly suspect that this girl fancies me but I have a girlfriend already on whom I do not wish to cheat. But, Mary, I am only human. How can I keep a level head in conditions like these?
Name and address withheld
A. Try to enlist the help of a chaperone by giving someone else a lift to the same place. If this fails, consume white wine and a smoked salmon sandwich before going to bed the night before the trip. Do not clean your teeth. Not only will you give yourself ‘bread-breath’, ensuring your passenger keeps her distance, but your low self-esteem will make you think twice when you get the urge to lunge at her.
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