Q. My husband’s cousin is clever, kind and good-looking and has his own (rather grimy) flat. He works from home, and lives alone. Despite wanting to, he has never married. He and I are good friends and often have lunch. From time to time I have noticed a faint whiff from him but recently it has become quite disgusting. My husband refuses to say anything and a mutual friend tells me it is therefore my duty to tell him because it must be putting women off. What do you suggest?
Name and address withheld
A. Find a pretext to drop into his flat. Reel with revulsion as you come through the door screaming pleasantly, ‘What’s that smell?’ Boost his confidence by saying, ‘You and your flat have always smelt divine until this moment.’ Go round pretending to look for the source. Suggest a neighbour may have been cooking cabbage — or perhaps there is a dead rat under the floorboards but, whatever it is, all the clothes in his wardrobe have also been impregnated by the smell and so has he. Say: ‘You had better start having two baths a day until it goes. Do you want me to help by driving all your clothes to the dry cleaners to start with?’
Q. With regard to the ‘you’ve already told me that story’ problem (17 October 2009), I can make an effective recommendation. When I was a headmaster I told my staff and students to say ‘ting-a-ling’ when I repeated myself. I am now using the same technique among my parishioners, friends and acquaintances and it still works, though, of course, one must use a little discretion. The advantage is that it can be used both ways without giving offence, since I can say it back.
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