Q. At a recent social event my wife and I were lucky enough to be guests of a dear friend who had also asked some dozen others. We started the evening as a party in a bar and, as 7.15 p.m. approached and we got ready to leave, I noticed that none of our party, mostly women, had offered to help to pay for their drinks, so I was left to pick up the tab, which came to £79. Interestingly, no one bothered to say thank you, as they had already walked off unthinkingly. My wife and I had had a glass of wine and a beer between us. I would appreciate some advice on how to avoid a similar situation in future.
—Name and address withheld
A. This was a classic case of involuntary sponging. It could have been that the dozen other guests believed the dear friend was covering the bar bill as well as the event tickets. More likely, however, they knew full well she wasn’t, but their intuition, or paydar, informed them that you, as the most obvious alpha male present, would settle up. Putting their heads in the sand was by far the easiest option. Anyone who volunteered to contribute would automatically compel the rest to follow suit. Thus would ensue an unseemly student-style scrabble for cash and probably some unpopularity for the volunteer. Anyone thanking you would be admitting to the scale of your largesse. To avoid this scenario in future, quietly explain to the barman on arrival that, once your full party is assembled, you will have to leave in a hurry. Therefore request that he extracts payments for each order as he delivers them so you can make a swift departure when you need to.
Q. I have moved to London but most of my friends are still at university. I am working at home as an artist so I don’t even see colleagues. How can I kick-start a social life? There is no point trying to meet anyone while clubbing as the music is too loud. —R.B., London SW11
A. Short talks are an affordable way to meet like-minded others. If you are interested in one of the speakers, the chances are that others in the audience will be vaguely compatible with you. ToMax talks happen fortnightly in a selection of London venues (www.tomaxtalks.com) such as pop-up bars and subterranean nightclubs off the Strand. Drink , and sometimes food, is consumed by the mixed-age audience. Conversational bonding occurs in the intervals. Forthcoming ToMax speakers include Alexandra Shulman, Sir Sherard Cowper-Coles and Kit Hesketh-Harvey — £8 if you are under 28 years old. £12 for adults. See also the 5 x 15 talks (www.5x15stories. com) where five speakers talk for 15 minutes each — usually at the Tabernacle, Notting Hill. Round the corner in Westbourne Park Road you can go back to night school at the Idler Academy (www.idler.co.uk) to learn popularity-boosting skills such as Latin and good handwriting.
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