Dear Mary | 1 December 2016

Q. I don’t go to my club that often but the other day I found a letter there waiting for me from an elderly cousin, also a member, whose home is in Scotland where he lives alone. The letter announces that he is down south until January and asks whether he might spend Christmas with my family here in London. I am well aware of the meaning of Christmas and have no wish to be mean-spirited, but my wife and I have a relentless social life throughout the year and our children are as yet unmarried, so Christmas Day has become the only time we can be sure of being together unencumbered by friends or partners. Since I might easily not have gone to the club and might therefore not even have received the letter in the first place, I wonder if ignoring it would be the best thing to do?
— Name and address withheld

A. Your cousin has displayed exquisite manners by writing this letter to you and leaving it for you at your club since this gives you a perfect let-out clause to reject his overture (by pretending you had not got the letter). It is worrying to think that you might view any future in-laws as encumbrances. Perhaps you should limber up for them by having this harmless-sounding cousin. Why not compromise by leaving a letter at the club inviting him to join you at 1 p.m on Christmas Day, explaining that you have to go out again at 5 p.m. to visit friends, but he would be very welcome for the lunch. In this way you can salve your conscience by being welcoming in the spirit of Christmas, but be reassured that the invitation is not open-ended.