Cosmo Landesman

Confessions of a closeted bourgeois boy

iStock 
issue 09 March 2024

Cosmo has narrated this article for you to listen to.

Recently, I got very stoned. I haven’t been that stoned since I was at Woodstock. Or was it the first Glastonbury festival? Or maybe Bob Dylan at the Isle of Wight? I can’t remember, but that’s dope for you. The curious thing is, I don’t take drugs any more. I hate getting high. It’s like your brain is seasick. But there I was at a party and the hostess offered me an apple-flavoured, cannabis-infused gummie. Without thinking, I swallowed it – just as if I’d been offered a canapé.

Someone later told me I ran out of the party yelling: ‘Help! I’m going to die!’

As soon as I did so, however, I started to panic. What had I done? Why had I done it? Any minute I was going to start hallucinating and then take off all my clothes and do frenzied nude hippie dancing before falling to my knees and weeping and crying out: ‘Mother, where are you?’ (Something like this once actually happened to me.)

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