Competition: Telling tales

In Competition No. 2719 you were invited to imagine that a well-known literary character of your choice had spilled the beans to a tabloid and to supply the resulting front-page story, including headline. I liked Virginia Price Evans’s paternity shocker: ‘I was Scrooge’s love child’, says Tiny Tim. Una McMorran, John Samson and Mike Morrison were also unlucky losers. The winners get £25 each; G.M. Davis takes the extra fiver.

M Pimped Me, Claims Ex-spy
‘Call me a patriotic whore.’
This startling confession came from a man who has looked death in the eye for his country many times. According to former ace secret agent James Bond, he was forced to:
LIVE a life of empty sophistication, often abroad
KILL people he hardly knew
INDULGE in casual meaningless sex with a variety of partners
RISK death in extreme situations
MIX socially with degenerate, bloodthirsty, power-crazed evildoers
Manipulated by spymaster ‘M’, Bond led an existence he hated till the slaughter, lies and deception drove him to drink.