Competition: Medical record

In Competition No. 2718 you were invited to submit an account, in verse, of a medical procedure undergone.
The inspiration for this assignment, was James Michie’s characteristically witty and well-made ‘On Being Fitted with a Pace-Maker’: ‘What with sex and fags and liquor,/ Silly old mulish heart,/ Dear unregenerate ticker,/ You needed a kick start’.

Afflictions of the nether regions featured more prominently in the entry than those of the heart. Brian Murdoch captures the mood nicely: ‘Even when there is no malignity,/ You can say goodbye to freedom and certainly dignity…’ And while accounts ranged from the eye-watering to the heartwarming it was a strong performance all round.
The bonus fiver belongs to Basil Ransome-Davies. His fellow winners get £25 each.

An NHS op means a two-year wait?
I frown. The GP says ‘I’ve got this mate…’
(or words to that effect) and soon I go
for private rearrangement ‘down below’.
A local anaesthetic, a quick slice,
a pair of snips — it’s over in a trice.