In Competition No. 2738 you were invited to concoct a government ad that bravely attempts to attract applicants to an especially unappealing job of your invention. Some time ago a reader brought to my attention an ad for the position of ‘Band 3 Process Developers in the VOA2015 Process Team’. Such was its mind-boggling impenetrability (‘The VOA2015 Programme is redesigning the Agency’s processes to create a simplified process model that will better support the new structure of the Agency as it moves into Business Streams…’) that it brought me to wondering who would conceivably apply for such a job and whether the ad could perhaps have been written in a more beguiling way — which is where you come in. Derek Morgan gets the extra fiver. The others net £30 each.
Perception Change Management (Bankers’ Bonuses): ref. PCM/BB
Her Majesty’s Government seeks an experienced image consultant to rehabilitate bank bonuses, initially in those organisations part-owned by the State. Olympic Year presents an opportunity to generate a national pride in our senior banking remuneration levels being truly world-class. A sea-change in public perception of motivational payments is required, and our drive to revitalise Latin in our schools is already laying the foundations for making ‘bonus’ synonymous with ‘good’. The successful candidate will be an imaginative individual with a track record in the creative industries and a proven ability to think out of the box. Salary will be competitive and will include a significant end-of-project performance-related payment, if, during the office-holder’s tenure, media (especially tabloid) coverage of ‘incentivising increments’ has become overwhelmingly positive. The salary payment method is negotiable in order to minimise UK tax liability.
Derek Morgan
HMRC Seeks PNO for PNO Initiative
Applicants are sought for the post of Public Necessities Officer in the PNO (Pecunia non olet) Initiative, based on the white paper indicating that public conveniences constitute a valuable source of hitherto untapped tax revenue.
Comments
Join the debate for just £1 a month
Be part of the conversation with other Spectator readers by getting your first three months for £3.
UNLOCK ACCESS Just £1 a monthAlready a subscriber? Log in