Competition: Ghost a sleb autobiography in the style of a literary great (plus: the horrors of reunion dinners)

Spectator literary competition No. 2840

You were excellent this week on the horrors of the reunion dinner. But these gatherings no longer have the allure they once enjoyed. While in days gone by, they offered the opportunity to see, and, more enjoyably, to assess, former classmates in their adult incarnations, in an age of social media no one really loses touch and that element of mystery is all but gone. We’ve seen the pictures and read the status updates.

Albert Black, Rob Stuart and Peter Goulding are all highly commended. The winners take £25 each and the extra fiver belongs to Alan Millard.

Alan Millard
‘Good evening, sir, wind down the window
     please,
Perhaps you’d like to tell me where you’ve
been.’
And so I tell him, starting with Denise
Who’s cock-a-hoop with all she’s done and seen,
And Spears, the prig, a keen, athletic sort
Who, taking me for someone else, I think,
Bombards me with his endless talk of sport
And drives me into starting on the drink
Which doesn’t help.