Competition: Funny valentine

In Competition No. 2735 you were invited to take as your first line ‘My love is like a [fill in blank]’, and continue, in light verse.

Amid the ailments — ‘a drippy nose’, ‘a whooping cough’; the animals — ‘a three-toed sloth’, ‘a sea urchin’; and foodstuffs galore: ‘ripe Gorgonzola’, ‘ a tub of lard’, ‘a rack of ribs’, Bridget Rees’s inventive opening impressed: ‘My love is like a — do you know,/ I don’t know what he’s like!/ I thought I knew for twenty years/ And then he took a hike…’ Honourable mentions, too, to Max Ross and Adam Campbell. The winners get £25 each. Basil Ransome-Davies nets £30.

My love is like a matelot,
Her language strong and salty,
A cold shower for my libido.
My love’s like Sybil Fawlty.

My mental millpond brims with dreams
Of nudeness and vajazzle,
But nothing drowns a voice that screams
At harpy volume ‘Basil!’

My love is like a lethal quiz,
My dipsomania chronic.