In Competition No. 2598 you were invited to provide pithy definitions of Hell. Thanks to Michael Cregan, who proposed this competition and reminded me of Kim Howells MP’s unpopular pronouncement that his idea of Hell was three Somerset folk singers.
The folk tradition didn’t crop up in the entry, but you are clearly not fans of the avant-garde; Harrison Birtwistle and John Cage in particular (‘Hell is full of music, all of it Sir Harrison Birtwistle’s’: Adrian Fry).
Gerard Benson and Paul Griffin narrowly missed the cut this week. The winners, printed below, get £25 each. (Brian Murdoch gave a spirited defence, which I upheld, of his first, very funny but rather long sentence, arguing that the experience of hell, being by definition a long and drawn-out affair, does not lend itself to pithy description.) Alan Millard pockets an extra fiver.
Hell: alarm call; Monday morning; missing sock; snapped shoelace; mirror image; scales’ reading; blunt razor; bleeding lip; dripping blood; burnt toast; mislaid keys; flat battery; school-run chaos; red lights; traffic jam; congested rat-run; camera flash; car park full; late arrival; jovial colleagues; witless quips; hearty backslaps; cluttered in-tray; constant phone calls; endless emails; interruptions; stupid questions; crass complaints; crazy deadlines; silly blunders; cocky PA; criticism; innuendo; midday meal queue; cold potatoes; indigestion; pm stupor; pointless meeting; lost agenda; empty ballpoint; broken pencil; feigned interest; ghastly goals; tedious targets; stifled yawns; mounting in-tray; empty out-tray; matters pending; false farewells; bulging briefcase; parking ticket; flat tyre; jammed jack; oily fingers; evening rush hour; slight collision; dented bonnet; cross exchanges; late homecoming; piles of junk mail; overeating; over-drinking; throbbing head; dull TV; bedtime boredom; lumpy pillow; restless mattress; sleepless night; dawn chorus; Tuesday morning.
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