Competition | 6 February 2010

In Competition 2632 you were invited to supply the wording of the classified ad that is least likely to elicit a response.
Thanks to John Papworth, who suggested this challenge, and to W.J. Webster, who drew my attention to the winning entry in a similar competition that appeared in another publication some decades ago: ‘Halitosis? Acne? Dandruff? Send s.a.e. for free samples.’ Memorable stuff but yours were equally impressive.

Inspired, perhaps, by the proximity of Valentine’s Day, many competitors submitted lonely-hearts ads of the alarmingly deluded ‘unattractive ageing loser seeks extremely attractive, much younger female’ variety. Funny to a point, but I preferred Basil Ransome-Davies’s more subtle but somehow equally scary approach. The winners below get £20 or £10 each, dependent on length.

MIDDLE ENGLISH For sale or loan, recording of authentic original Middle English reading, no translation, made by students at Tennessee High Schools for Chaucerfest 1972, incl. humorous extracts from the Tale of Melibee and the Treaties Of The Astro Labe, C120 Scotch cassette, original case (slightly cracked), bona fide not illicit original, recorded over Nashville Guitar Tutor, perfect for teaching proper Middle English pronunciation, ring 00 1 65 4078 312 for details of cost and postage, ask for Rufus. List at owne leyser!
Bill Greenwell

Will you be my muse? I’m a creative guy, not your nine-to-five type, and though I can see the busy M6 from my room my imagination flies up, up and away, like a beautiful balloon. That’s a simile, by the way, which is the kind of thing I do. Not everyone understands that, as I’m pretty ‘avant garde’ (i.e., ahead of the trend), even publishers who claim to respect ‘good writing’ don’t get it. But rejection slips won’t stop me, no way José. We could share a beautiful adventure together, and soon be making big money.
Basil Ransome-Davies