In Competition 2624 you were invited to submit a poem in the style of the legendary William Topaz McGonagall on an issue of contemporary relevance to the Scots.
Hailed by the TLS as ‘the only truly memorable bad poet in our language’, McGonagall built his reputation on appalling yet beguiling works of inadvertent comic genius. Neither plagued by a lack of self-belief nor hampered by self-awareness, the handloom weaver from Dundee forged ahead with his art in the face of universal mockery and derision. He has had the last laugh, though: his star burns brightly still more than a century after his death.
The sincerity of the original voice (which no doubt accounts for its considerable charm) is difficult to capture in parody. But you nailed well the stumbling metre and jarring rhyme. Especially impressive were G. McIlraith, William Danes-Volkov, Brian Murdoch, Graham Anderson and Nicholas Hodgson, who were unlucky losers. This week’s bonus fiver is Bill Greenwell’s. His fellow winners, rewarded with £30 each, appear below.
Alas! for the Glasgow clubs, which are The
Celtic F.C. and The Rangers,
That the Premier League of England sees them
as strangers,
An attitude akin to dogs in their mangers,
For it must be said that Manchester City and
United
Would have been by them very affrighted.
’Twas on a Thursday that Mister Gartside of
Bolton Wanderers
Was informed in a manner both plain and
ponderous
That The Firm would not be accepted below
the border,
Which is to say, he was ruled out of order
And that the Gers and the Bhoys, hot as a
fireball,
Were neither ‘desirable’ nor ‘viable’.
For this many proud Scots hearts did bleed,
For they are very fine teams indeed.
It did pain me hard to read of their dismissal,
Yet will I not weep at this final whistle
Being a diehard supporter of Partick Thistle.
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