Competition | 29 November 2008

Lucy Vickery presents the latest competition

In Competition No. 2572 you were invited to provide a rugby- or football-style song for another sport. After I’d set the assignment, it occurred to me that it runs counter to the spirit of football chants and rugby songs, which seem to arise spontaneously on the terraces and in the pub rather than being laboriously composed at home by dedicated chant-writers. The best are almost always lewd and often downright offensive — as W.J. Webster commented, they make Jonathan Ross sound prim — and while they are undoubtedly funny when heard in context, they look crass on the page.

So congratulations to those of you who managed to capture something of the spontaneity, bawdiness and cruel wit of the best chants and songs while still remaining printable. The winners below get £25 except Bill Greenwell, who gets £30.
Please note, Christmas printing deadlines mean an earlier-than-usual closing date for the next comp.

One stiff ’un, one randy ’un,
And the knackers of Nalbandian,
And the rumpy-pumpy umpire called new balls,
oh please.

Chorus: Oh the bent of the Duke of Kent who went down on his knees.

He played her, he made her fur
Fly up like Roger Federer
And the rumpy-pumpy umpire called new balls,
oh please. (Chorus)

Most popular

Freddy Gray

Trump shock: is there method behind the madness?

His stroke had a manner which
Sank Ana Ivanovic
And the rumpy-pumpy umpire called new balls,
oh please. (Chorus)

One sore point, one forehand
Hurried straight at Murray’s raw gland
And the rumpy-pumpy umpire called new balls,
oh please. (Chorus)

Rafa’s lob was no cleaner,
It split Venus and Serena
And the rumpy-pumpy umpire called new balls,
oh please. (Chorus)
Bill Greenwell

Oh, if I were the malleting kind,
Which thank the Lord I am, sir,
the kind of girl that I would wed
would be the full twelve stroker.
She’d stroke it in,
I’d stroke it in,
we’d be well ahead, in the flower bed,
stroking the roquet-croquet.