In Competition 2643 you were invited to submit what might have been just another dull news story from a local paper had you not spiced it up with a number of misprints.
The wording of the challenge inevitably produced entries that were in a smutty vein and there were plenty of instances of ‘erection’ for ‘election’, ‘copulation’ for ‘population’ and ‘bums’ for ‘buns’, which got a bit wearing after a while but is no doubt my own fault — as one competitor put it: ‘Well, you did ask us to spice things up…’ It was plausible misprints rather than malapropisms that I was after, and D.A. Prince’s local ‘dress shops savouring silk and satan…’, John Phillips’s ‘performance by Hamborne players of The Lady Varnishes’, and David Silverman’s headline ‘Beethoven’s Erotica steams the show’ made me smile. The winners, printed below, get £25. Brian Murdoch makes off with the bonus fiver.
Everyone has the chance to get fat
The opening took place last week of the new Fatness Centre by the mayor, who commented on how viral it is for us all to keep an eye on our wealth. Use of the facilities will cost ten pounds per wee, there are substantial ravings if you do it by the mouth, and you can even pay on a one-gay-at-a-time basis. Advanced bonking is also possible. If over-eight, you can exorcise away excess flak, while slimmers will relish having a poo of olympic proportions, whether they dive right in off the top broad, or just plough turdily up and down. After a hard session plying your favourite port, you might fancy a light smack in the café on the poof garden. This is a welcome new amenity for our town, and everyone knows it has been pissing for years.
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