Competition | 23 July 2011

Lucy Vickery presents this week’s Competition

In Competition No. 2705 you were invited to submit an updated version of Betjeman’s ‘How to Get on in Society’.
Sir John’s lampooning of suburban pretenders whose attempts to transcend their class served only to root them more firmly in it was his contribution to the U/Non-U debate that raged in the 1950s, sparked by Alan Ross and fuelled by Nancy Mitford.

Their 21-century heirs and their aspirations were, on the whole, mercilessly and magnificently mocked. The winners scoop £25 each. Martin Parker bags the bonus fiver.

Top up my spray tan, Darren,
then phone up Hello! and OK
and gold-plate the taps in the toilet.
The Beckhams are coming to stay!

I’ve just origamied the Andrex.
Have I time for another tattoo
in spurious Chinese, with dragons,
or maybe a blatant FU?

I’ve had my nails covered in glitter
and my eyelids and midriff as well.
My extensions are almost the shade of my hair
which is rigid with Superdrug gel.