In Competition No. 2726 you were asked for a modern version of ‘The Twelve Days of Christmas’ taking as your first line ‘On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me…’ and continuing for a further twelve.
Perhaps inevitably there was a fair amount of repetition in the entry: plenty of leakers leaking, hacks a-hacking, lawyers laughing and ‘Five Olympic rings’. Still, you were on good form. Here are extracts from three submissions that only just missed out on a place in the winning line-up. ‘Five wiccan charms;/ Four Hamentaschen/ Three Buddhist texts/ Two Tarot packs/ And a card wishing “Happy winterval” ’ (Dominica Roberts); ‘Five MEPs,/ Four dodgy stats,/ Three fat cats,/ Two technocrats,/ And a cartload of subsidised Brie’ (John Whitworth); ‘Nine stirring stanzas,/ Eight oxymorons,/ Seven lively limericks,/ Six double dactyls…’ (Mae Scanlan). The winners get £25 each. Basil Ransome-Davies wins the festive fiver.
Thank you to those who sent seasonal good wishes and to all competitors for a seemingly inexhaustible stream of knockout wit and gobsmacking skill. Merry Christmas!
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve Paxos smirking
Eleven Murrays choking
Ten Hoffs imploding
Nine Brucies kneeling
Eight Wogans twinkling
Seven Beckhams bending
Six Clarksons sneering
Five Russell Brands
Four Stephen Frys
Three Jack Dees
Two Susan Boyles
And a 42” plasma tv
Basil Ransome-Davies
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me
Twelve tabloids hacking,
Eleven bankers stealing,
Ten drillers fracking,
Nine economies reeling,
Eight wars beginning,
Seven MPs sinning,
Six press aides spinning
Five kinds of wrong,
Four corporate liars,
Three anxious buyers,
Two occupiers,
And Simon Cowell trashing this song.
Chris O’Carroll
On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love sent to me,
Twelve bankers bingeing
Eleven lawyers laughing
Ten tented protests
Nine statesmen sighing
Eight eviction orders
Seven papers prying
Six leaders leaving
Five Arab Springs,
Four budget cuts
Three lost years
Two eurozones
And an IOU for next year’s tree.
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