Chaps, if we want grandchildren, we need to stop the skinny jeans fad

Are you a man? Do you have legs wider than the average pipe cleaner? Then this article is for you. You’ll need something to read as you sit at home, unable to go out because you’ve got no trousers. British clothes shops, you see, no longer sell ones that fit you. At first I thought the problem was me. Every pair of jeans I tried on in Gap hugged me like clingfilm. Had I put on that much weight? I tried the only other place I ever buy jeans: Fat Face. Same story. As indeed it was with their trousers, even the combats. God help the soldier sent into action wearing those things: he wouldn’t be able to bend at the knee. Lost in a sea of labels reading ‘Skinny’ and ‘Slim’, I realised that (to misquote Gloria Swanson) I hadn’t got big — the trousers had got small. Friends confirmed the problem.