Celebrity Dear Mary

From Rt Hon Gisela Stuart MP
Q. I keep getting into arguments with people about what being a Labour MP is all about. I used to think that being in government was better than being in opposition. They now tell me I’m wrong and that the years since 2010 have been better and purer than the flawed years from 1997 to 2010. Help. Are they right and am I wrong?

A. As a Roman Catholic German Brexiteer Labour MP for a Birmingham constituency, you should have grown used to being in a minority. If you would rather be in power than out of it, the obvious solution is to switch sides and join the Conservative benches. I have it on good authority that they would be pleased to welcome you — other, that is, than those low-church Remainers who are suspicious of Germans and prefer to avoid all things Brummie.

From Ed Balls
Q. I have been doing a lot of exercise over the past few weeks and I’ve lost well over a stone. Sadly my (full-time) exercise regime has just come to an enforced and rather abrupt halt. How do I stop just regaining all those pounds over Christmas?

A. You are unlikely to have the time or willpower to continue with the full-time exercise regime which created this flattering new physique. Yet there is no reason why you can’t adapt the method Beach Boy Brian Wilson used to lose nine stone, which was to employ two full-time minders to simply block his access to the fridge. Your own minders could double as researchers or even personal trainers and in this way you may retain the svelter outline which suits you so well.

From Nigel Farage
Q. An American friend of mine has just landed a top job. I am really pleased for him but no one else seems to think that it is a good idea.