Carroll in La La Land

In Competition No. 3042, a challenge inspired by the American parodist Frank Jacobs’s 1975 version of ‘Jabberwocky’, ‘As If Lewis Carroll Were a Hollywood Press Agent in the Thirties’, you were invited to provide a Hollywood–themed ‘Jabberwocky’ for our times. Jacobs begins: ‘’Twas Bogart and the Franchot Tones/ Did Greer and Garson in the Wayne;/ All Muni were the Lewis Stones,/And Rooneyed with Fontaine…’, and most (though not all) of you closely followed that template — to dazzling effect. Honourable mentions go to Rob Johnston and Joe Houlihan. Those printed below pocket £25 each.
 

’Twas Downey, and the Harrelsons
Did Cruise and Walken in the Pitt.
All Spacey were the Sarandons,
And Nicholsons half-lit.
 
‘Beware the Streepymeryl thing,
The wanxome Caine, the gribbled Crowe.
And never be caught Willising
The frungible Paltrow!
 
Beware the stribulous Dafoe,
The Damon frimbling in his Cage,
The hot Roth of DiCaprio
And Hoffman’s puglish rage!’
 
The sad youth heard the smurbly words
That named his mortal mission thus.
His visage paled. ‘Alas!’ he wailed,
‘I am not Spartacus.’
Basil Ransome-Davies
 
’Twas Gerwig and the Sharon Stone
Did Gere and Gambon in the Wiig,
All Hemsworth was the McElhone
And the Jack Black’s Paul Feig.
 
He took his Vincent Vaughn in hand;
Long time the Hanks Defoe he sought —
So rested he by the Weinstein tree
And stood Wahlberg in thought.
 
And, as in Affleck Firth he stood,
The Ethan Hawke, with eyes Broadbent,
Came Walken through the Sheedy wood,
And Markled as it went!
 
John Wu! John Wu! And Depardieu,
The Vincent Vaughn went snicker-snack,
With Donnie Yen, and with Sean Penn,
He went Gal Gadot back.
Rob Stuart
 
’Twas Affleck and the Kevin Kline
Did Depp and Damon in the Gad:
All Meryl were the Pegg and Pine,
And Elba were the Brad.
 
‘Beware the Barinholtz, my boy!
Avoid the Denzeling Dafoe!
Face not the Clooney McAvoy
And shun the Ruffalo!’
 
He strapped his Channing Tatum on,
Vin Diesel filling every vein,
And with his trusty Harrelson
He Charlized his Chastain.
 
‘And hast thou slain the Corey Stoll?
O Dench, O Cara Delevingne!
Give Hanks inside my Gyllenhaal
That you are Dafne Keen!’
Bill Greenwell
 
’Twas glitzy, and the osky crowd
Were streeping in the sisterhood,
All whiny steins were disallowed,
And the hashtags me-tooed.