Called to account

The tax man, a Mr Matthews in my case, rang the other day. He said, ‘Why haven’t you answered our letters for the last four years, Mr Clarke?’ I’d been dreading this phone call for so long that it was almost a relief. I wasn’t much of a letter writer, I told him, which is the truth. Well, things have got to the stage now, said Mr Matthews, where bailiffs could seize my assets. Did I have any seizable assets? Only my laptop, I said. And a monitor. But if they seized those, I said, it would be a bit of an own goal as I wouldn’t be able to earn the money to pay back what I owed. ‘What about your car?’ he suggested. ‘What’s that worth?’ ‘Less than the monitor probably,’ I said.

To avert the bailiff situation, I agreed to bring all my receipts, invoices and bank statements to the tax office the following day.