British families deserve a tax break

I am delighted to report that some £800,000 of taxpayers’ money is to be spent ‘remediating’ the works of Robert Louis Stevenson to show what a racist bastard he was.

I assume the decision was taken because, as a nation, we are absolutely awash with cash at the moment and need somewhere to dispense of it. This project, funded by the quango UK Research and Innovation (UKRI), will be carried out at Edinburgh University. I hope that, aside from clobbering Stevenson for having been born during a different time period, they also have a go at him for his stereotypical portrayal of the disabled – and indeed pirates. Ever since reading Treasure Island I have viewed one-legged people with grave suspicion and will not voluntarily engage them in conversation. If they try to speak to me, I mumble something unintelligible and quickly walk away, immediately checking my pockets to see if my wallet has been stolen.