Being the perfect guest

Come to our house in France, say generous friends, come to Italy, come fishing. ‘How wonderful, what shall we bring?’ Nothing, they reply. They are lying, obviously. Bring cash, a thoughtful present for the house — pillowcases, new books — and your biggest smile. You don’t want the hosts rolling their eyes and punching the air when you drive away down that olive grove.

The thing is, it’s not a hotel. There are people who can be a little peremptory with their friends’ staff. There is no point during the day or night when the dishwasher won’t need emptying and the cook will be delighted if you do that — extra points for cleaning the filter — or lay the table, wash the lettuce or do the bread run before breakfast.

Try to dissuade the children from water bombs and shouty swimming during that post-lunch snoozy hush around the pool. We’ll enjoy little Angelica’s diving later.