Bare cheek

Normally I detest people who use laptops on crowded trains, but if you’re watching a DVD your elbows aren’t flying, and with earphones you’re no more of a nuisance to your neighbours than you would be reading a paper. So on a train crawling towards Bournemouth for the Tory conference, I set up the machine and popped in a preview disc of Trinny & Susannah Undress (ITV, Tuesday). At roughly the point where the couple they were bullying got naked and slipped behind a screen, an elegant middle-aged Frenchwoman took the seat next to me. The camera then went behind the screen and we saw the couple rubbing, stroking and kneading each other’s fleshy bits — nothing really rude, you understand, but implying a degree of pornography to come. I didn’t dare to look at the woman — she definitely didn’t seem as if she could have been cast in the old Cointreau commercial — but decided that for the moment it might be safer to watch H.G.