Am I being impersonated by an actor from Colorado or a mining company?

Someone else with my name is wreaking havoc with my attempts to control the Twitter account I don’t want.

Obviously, I haven’t been on Twitter other than to stick my toe in briefly, then pull it back out after realising how very cold it is in there. But I can’t work out how to deactivate my account.

I’ve tried many times but it is beyond me, so I have had to stay on Twitter but not actually go on Twitter.

This position was holding up fine, until I started getting emails telling me someone had logged into my account and if that wasn’t me I should do something about it.

Usually, when you get an email claiming something isn’t right, it’s an imposter pretending something isn’t right, and then something really isn’t right as soon as you fall for it, log in and get your identity stolen.

I ignored all these emails, therefore, as they poured in week after week. Until the other day I received one telling me someone had logged in and changed my password and if that wasn’t me, then I really should check.

‘It’s the three ego-crazed billionaires.’

Surely I can’t now check because I don’t know my own password? In fact, Twitter allowed me to log in by them sending me an email with a code in it, which enabled me to change my password again.

I reread the original message and it stated that the person who changed my password before who wasn’t me had logged in from ‘Cerro Colorado’.

A memory stirred. There is an American actor — can I say actress? I do so like that word — called Melissa Kite. I had a quick rummage on Wikipedia and yes, she is from Colorado.

I wish I lived in Colorado, I thought. I wish I was the Melissa Kite who lives in Colorado and starred in House (2004), Big Love (2006) and 12 Days a Stripper (2014), instead of the Melissa Kite who lives in Surrey and argues with cyclists and vegan neighbours who want LED street lights on village greens.