Sensitivity readers have been busy lately, first rewriting the works of Roald Dahl, and then trimming Ian Fleming’s James Bond novels, ostensibly making them less offensive to modern readers. So what will they edit next – and how might they bring it into line with modern mores?
Winnie-the-Pooh by A.A. Milne
A honey-loving bear goes on a macrobiotic diet, and his best friend Eeyore is prescribed anti-depressants. Christopher Robin receives anti-psychotic medication to alleviate the delusion that animals are talking to him.
Othello by William Shakespeare
A black military commander is tricked into believing that his wife Desdemona has been unfaithful, so they both enter couples’ counselling, and he undergoes anger management training.
Dracula by Bram Stoker
A vampire learns to seek consent from beautiful women and people without wombs who identify as women before sucking their blood, and agrees to stop at any point that they change their minds about being blood donors.
Mary Poppins by P.L. Travers
A cisgender woman propelled by a flying umbrella is hired without credentials as a children’s nanny, taking her wards on a series of perilous adventures before being arrested for child endangerment, fraud and breaching Civil Aviation Authority regulations.
Frankenstein by Mary Shelley
A creature brought to life from stolen cadaver parts visits a psychotherapist to overcome his body dysmorphia, and comes to love himself. His creator, Victor Frankenstein, has his medical licence revoked, and a torch-bearing mob of villagers learn that LED lights can be just as illuminating yet are better for the environment.
Moby-Dick by Herman Melville
A crippled sea captain on a whaling ship uses the Disability Discrimination Act to inspire his crew to pursue whales of all colours and not just great white whales. The crew of the Pequod, which includes many women who can set a sail and climb a yardarm just as well as any man or non-binary person, learn to catch-and-release whales to preserve the endangered species.
The Lord of the Flies by William Golding
A group of schoolboys stranded on a deserted island form a commune and survive by engaging in a Marxist dialectic. They decry adults as bourgeois imperialists, and a pig-hunting expedition ends with them all deciding to become vegans.
The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
A beautiful but ageing Englishman obsessively uses cosmetic surgery, nips, tucks and fillers to stay looking young, and learns there is nothing wrong with that, as long as he talks openly with his therapist about his decaying portrait in the attic.
The Jungle Book by Rudyard Kipling
An orphaned boy alone in the jungle is rescued by the NSPCC, while National Animal Welfare Trust agents capture his furry friends and relocate them to a blighted inner city zone that has been designated part of a jungle reclamation regreening project by the local city council.
Three Men In a Boat by Jerome K. Jerome
A polyamorous trio explore their gender and sexuality in a safe environment while drifting down the Thames.
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Delinquent droog Alex, delivering tolchocks to vecks and sookas, is arrested for butchering the English language. Forced to watch violent imagery while listening to the music of Beethoven, Alex learns that Ludwig van was abused by his alcoholic father and possibly had Asperger’s syndrome, and realises that his acts of violence are all society’s fault.
The Art of War by Sun Tzu
An ancient Chinese military adviser proposes that hugging, cuddles and ‘talking it out’ are the keys to peace between nations in conflict.
The Lion, The Witch and the Wardrobe by C.S. Lewis
Three children are rescued by child protective services and learn not to talk to strangers hiding in the back of closets.
Harry Potter and the Philosopher’s Stone by J.K. Rowling
Authorities shut down a school where pupils routinely risk their lives playing Quidditch and die in dangerous competitions, experimenting in the dark arts, or attacked by Death Eaters, killing curses and werewolves. The building is found to lack permits for moving staircases and its ubiquitous use of candlelight is branded a fire hazard.
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame by Victor Hugo
Romani street dancer Esmeralda undergoes sensitivity training to appreciate the discreet charms of spinally-challenged Quasimodo, a cathedral employee. Quasimodo brings a successful malpractice lawsuit against the doctor who delivered him, and has reconstructive spinal surgery. Though barely recognisable, Esmerelda says his face rings a bell.
The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame
A sexually ambiguous Mole, Rat and Badger persuade wealthy Mr Toad to share his fortune and turn Toad Hall into a shelter for underprivileged weasels. Mr Toad reveals that he identifies as a Frog, legally alters his species, and changes his pronouns to they/them.
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