A play that explains why England’s football team are so lousy: Dear England, at the Olivier Theatre, reviewed

James Graham’s entertaining new play looks at the England manager’s job. Everyone knows that coaching the national side is just a hobby. The boss picks the squad for a handful of fixtures each year and gives a pep talk at half-time followed by a post-match press conference. He’s spared the bother of speculating in the transfer market and he’s never troubled by verbal monsterings from foreign owners or irascible chairmen. And no salary ought to be paid because the incumbent is assured large earnings as a public speaker.

Graham’s play opens in 2016 with the appointment of Gareth Southgate, a dreamy weirdo from Sussex. Southgate was one of the best players Germany ever had. At Euro 96, he missed his kick during the penalty shoot-out and propelled the Germans into the finals which they won. He treats the England job as a chance to purge this awful memory from his tortured soul.